Separation Anxiety
- Siobhan Kennedy-Costantini
- Jul 17, 2024
- 2 min read
Separation anxiety is ROUGH. Seeing our little ones become upset and distressed at the idea of being parted from us is really hard. It feels hard because it is hard.
As their caregiver, it is entirely natural that their distress will trigger distress in us. We are hardwired to respond and be close to our children - the reason we as parents get so agitated and upset ourselves is because that's how we are designed. We’re evolutionarily primed to respond and to try and do whatever it takes to meet our child's needs and to keep them safe. Safety is really the ultimate goal of Separation Anxiety.
Connection is essential to our little one's survival, particularly our younger babies. They need people to care for them, to ensure their survival. This is why their responses are so fierce and why it feels so primal, because it is.
The key thing for us is gently provide opportunities and experiences for our little ones’ brains to learn that that the feeling of anxiety isn't because they aren't safe. We can help them learn that “Yes, you're feeling scared and anxious and distressed that I'm leaving you, but you are safe”.
The good news is that children and infants who enjoy a positive relationship with their attachment figure, often protest being separated from them. It is a normal and healthy part of development, even though it feels so awful. The intensity and duration of separation protest/anxiety is affected by our child's temperament, our personality and how we respond.
We often see a peak in Separation Distress or Anxiety at around 8 months old and it usually reduces sometime between 2-3 years. It will reduce naturally, as our child matures and becomes more attached & comfortable with the people caring for them. However, there are certainly some things we can do to help make this transition smoother.
References: Bowlby (1960); Guthrie (1997); Rothbart & Bates (2007); Thomas & Chess (1977)
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